“My ex is a narcissist.”
If you are going through a divorce or custody dispute, you may have said this yourself. Perhaps your ex blames you for everything, turns simple conversations into arguments, or makes reaching an agreement feel impossible.
“Narcissist” is often used to describe someone who is controlling, self-centered, or unwilling to take responsibility. Narcissistic personality disorder, however, is a clinical diagnosis that requires professional evaluation. You do not need to establish that diagnosis to explain what is happening in your relationship or seek help addressing harmful behavior.
Here are five practical ways to approach the dissolution process.
- Focus on what your ex does
Give your attorney specific examples. Does your ex repeatedly change agreed pickup times? Withhold financial information? Send threatening messages?
“My ex is a narcissist” does not explain the problem as clearly as: “My ex changed the exchange location three times this month and threatened to withhold the children when I objected.”
Specific facts help your attorney understand the problem and determine how to address it.
- Keep communication brief and focused
You may feel compelled to defend yourself against every accusation. Before responding, ask yourself what actually needs an answer.
If the message concerns a pickup time, respond to the pickup time. Avoid getting pulled into an argument about your marriage, your character, or who caused the divorce. Write with the understanding that your messages may later be reviewed by attorneys or the court.
- Preserve records
Save relevant texts, emails, financial records, and parenting communications. Keep a simple timeline of significant incidents, including dates and what happened.
Preserve the complete exchange, including your own responses. Giving your attorney the full context helps them evaluate the evidence and prepare for what the other side may raise.
- Seek clear agreements and orders
Vague arrangements can create repeated opportunities for disagreement. When conflict is ongoing, details matter.
A parenting plan may need specific exchange times, locations, holiday schedules, and communication procedures. Financial agreements may need payment deadlines and clear requirements for exchanging documents. Talk with your attorney about where greater specificity could reduce conflict.
- Take threats and controlling behavior seriously
Some conduct requires more than a carefully worded response. California recognizes that domestic violence can include emotional and financial abuse, as well as physical abuse. Tell your attorney about threats, intimidation, isolation, or control over access to money and basic needs so they can assess appropriate protections.
You do not have to resolve every argument
You may never get your ex to acknowledge your perspective or accept responsibility. Your energy is better spent protecting your interests, supporting your children, and making informed decisions about your future.
At The Soleymani Law Firm, APC we help clients navigate difficult divorce and custody disputes with a strategy grounded in the facts and their individual needs. If you are dealing with a controlling or combative spouse or co-parent, contact our office to discuss your options.
This article is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Every situation is different, and individuals should consult with a qualified California family law attorney regarding their specific circumstances.